How to talk with someone who has experienced sexual abuse

When you know that your close friend or relative has experienced sexual violence, to find the right words can be hard. What good would any of your intentions, some careless phrase can ruin your relationship. This leads to the fact that we are afraid to discuss such serious issues, because one side is afraid not to find support, and the other - seem out of place. Heroine picked a few key phrases that is to say to a friend, trying to cope with the trauma after violence.

Do not blame

If you're going to articulate their words so that they seem accusation - it will make your loved feel absolutely lonely man. Avoid phrases:

• Why are you so much to drink?
• Why did you decide to go out so late?
• We discussed what this man suspicious!

These questions and phrases are judgmental and accusatory character, and thus make the victim feel even worse. Remember that sexual violence is always to blame only the perpetrators of violence.

Listen

One who has experienced sexual abuse, can be very scary to talk about what happened, and it does not matter how much time has passed since that event - a few hours or tens of years. It is extremely important to patiently listen to this man, not trying to customize it, and did not ask to omit some details. Hold eye contact and bear positive words of encouragement:

• I am near. If you need me, you want to talk about what happened, or, conversely, to escape - I'm ready to help you.
• If you want to, I just sat silently next to - I'm ready to do it.

Sexual violence is a serious violation of personal boundaries and may cause a lot of emotions that are woven into a single tangle: shame, fear, anxiety, and even self-loathing. Do not wait for that person to quickly step over it - even if your friend is usually demonstrated excellent skills of self-control in difficult situations.

Repeat and reformulated

If you do not know what to say, just try to reflect the feelings of the victim. Repeat her words so as to confirm the feelings she is experiencing:

• It hurts me to hear that you're angry and panicking.
• After the incident, you hard to trust people, and it's sad.

Such a technique called reflective listening, and although you're just repeating what you said - it allows the victim to feel understood and heard.

Do not try to compare your experience with

Even if you have experienced sexual violence and have the experience to overcome, yet we should not compare the experience of the victim to someone else. Each story is unique and there is no point in mentioning the fact that you once saw in a movie. Avoid phrases such as "I know how you feel" or "I know exactly what you're going through." Similar phrases impede alignment of contact with the victim and the return of confidence to others.

Tell that respect the boundaries of

You may receive an instinctive desire to embrace the sacrifice, or at least take the hand, but it is able to make her once again relive the negative emotions. After physical violence is worth asking if you can touch the person. Respect his wishes, because sometimes he deliberately avoids such contact. Ask the question clearly:

You want me to hug you?

If the answer was "no", let slip that you agree with that decision and that you respect other people's boundaries, but still nearby.

Show that you can help solve the problem of

Remember that talking about sexual violence does not concern you directly. It turns out that much support as you have enough emotional resources. Do not force or put pressure on the victim and try to recommend a good psychologist, who can help to cope with the situation.

You can also recommend their assistance:

• I would be happy to find a psychologist for you, who specializes in victims of sexual violence.
• I can accompany you to the reception if you do not want to go alone.

Recalls the importance of self-care

Ask simple and open-ended questions:

• How do you sleep tonight?
• How do you feel?

emphasizes how important it is now to comply with a healthy lifestyle, as well as let the space in which the victim could share their experiences. Many people who have experienced violence, suggest that they were all right, when in fact it may take months or even years to get over it.

I do not advise to gloss over the topic

In any case we can not speak to the victim, so she hid from all the details of what happened. The more silence - the higher the probability that the injury will remain with the victim forever. Because the lack of publicity is often associated with guilt, and the victim may begin to believe that she provoked the attack.

At the same time you can have an idea that you have done in a similar situation, but this opinion is not necessary to impose on others. When you tell the victim that she should immediately write a statement to the police, then again to select it has control over the situation. Remind that she can do after what happened:

• Do you want to report the incident?
• whether you will help it?

If the victim decides not to write a statement - respect her choice.

If you want to share your story publicly or anonymously, write us at [email protected].